Ressurection

I have been gone for so long that I feel like I owe everyone who was reading my most elusive thoughts. I have had a lot of time between my last written dictation, and so many things have transpired that I feel I need to try my best to summarize everything prior to starting back writing on the regular.

First things first, I have relocated back to the states. Originally I was in Germany, so far away from my parents and wife that it felt like I wasn’t even married. Well it felt like that for a few reasons but we can get into that later. Next, my wife and I are doing well. It hasn’t been an easy journey and trust me I am still very much broken from the events that have occurred but we both have not only done wrong to one another but we also acted irrational about everything. Instead of actively trying to remain a big part of each other’s life, she focused on work, and put me last and I took it as separation and distanced myself as well. It was not something we needed and it only made our relationship that much harder. Now that I have returned to the states, not in the same state as my wife but at least in the same time zone, we have been pushing forward with or relationship. We are about to close on a house and just get this marriage life on track like we both desire. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t obstacles still standing in our way.

During all the drama, and ignorance that had been occurring I had a chance to talk to my wife about us, our future, our love, our relationship and a lot of juicy information came out. Like the only reason she moved back to Georgia was because she mentioned that she would need to “eventually” move back for her parent sake. If she hadn’t of mentioned that, her life right now wouldn’t be so damn stressful. At least for the time being. Her job…I must say her job has irritated me to the point that I don’t think it would be wise for me to be around them anymore because the way they talk and treat my wife, even when she isn’t to blame, makes me want to one-inch punch someone in the nose. It stresses her out, makes her life a living hell and she ends up leaving that and having to deal with her parents, who are another increased source of misery for her. I just feel so powerless here, but I do try to listen to her vent, be there for her, and do what I can from a distance. It’s rough though.

On another point, we have become travel junkies. Well, let me rephrase that, I have joined her on her travel junkie adventures and as a result I am becoming a huge fan of travelling and experiencing the world. Our adventures have had us see parts of Germany I wouldn’t have even tried to experience, to Spain, to Greece. Oh, and Greece was a lot of fun, minus the overly aggressive flower girls who got my wife so upset that she basically jumped out of tourist mode to express her disapproval of the flower girl’s close proximity to me. It was quite funny.

All and all, my wife and I have bounced back from everything, twice as strong and even more in love with one another then before. I still have my moments of weakness where I think of things from the past and it causes my heart to skip a beat but that doesn’t remotely effect my situation with her. She is my inspiration and the love of my life and I am so blessed that we have resurrected from the like a Phoenix; stronger.

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A New Look

I have had a chance to reflect on how I have been providing some pretty dreary writing sprinkled with some life altering epiphany that has brought me closer to my understanding of love, and how to get the most out of my marriage even after everything. I don’t want to have this negative vibe held over my page when my intention is to share my life with those who care to listen and start some dialog between others who have had similar things happen or who just want to chime in. I truly think that conversation is what truly broadens our thoughts by sharing our experiences. I am not writing for sympathy or anything. Being away for so long, I realize I will start a few different things.

I want to continue giving you guys an update on my experiences and how my marriage progressively gets better or worse. I do believe that this type of writing is beneficial to myself as well as those who are out there having the same problems or concerns in there marriage. Alternately, I want to start writing a few different stories. One being about a student who starts attending a high school for those with musical talents. Within that story I will be introducing characters with specific archetypes. In the end, graduation will open another door that introduces college and industry. I will use the artist who are not as known as my musical inspiration and characters for my story. It will be an ongoing thing but if done correctly, the artist from soundcloud will be put out there for better exposure and I would also love to put a few drawings to this to ultimately make a webcomic as well.

The other story I want to start writing will be a little more serious. I will use what I know and what I have gone through to write about a relationship between a newly married couple going through the struggle of getting through life’s challenges. This will range from work, ethnic differences, family acceptance, sex, fighting temptation, lies and secrets.

I just have so much going on in my head that I have to have an outlet and this blog is where I do all this at. So stay tune for the next update. I appreciate your patience.

 

 

 

 

How would You Feel…

Lets put this in perspective, talking directly to my wife and woman who have put there man in situations like the one I am in. Would you understand my deception if I went out and did something stupid that could ultimately jeopardize everything that we represent and worked so hard for? I think about it all the time. How it’s justified and it could be my revenge for the pain that I felt and am still feeling. Honestly what will the results of it truly be?

The results would be more devastating then anything. We are already working on the trust issue that we both obviously have but doing that would always be in the back of my head, and I would walk around thinking everything thing she does is because she might of found another, again. I would be paranoid and it would push her further from me into another man’s arm killing our relationship even sooner.

How the damage it would do to myself? I have this image of what type of husband I want to be. In my head I see this devoted man, gracious lover, and loyal friend. All that would be forever wiped out completely. I would lose the right to say I am a great husband, and father because I couldn’t resist the temptation that I would create out of spite. Out of anger and resentment. I could never look into the mirror again if I do something like that. This is not why I got married.

How would you feel? I don’t even have to answer that question. I know exactly how she would feel? She will feel just like how I feel right now. I don’t wish this pain on anyone at all. The pain in my heart, the countless sleepless nights, the tears that I shed, everything. It is something that I refuse to be the cause of. If you want to learn a lesson, or realize that what you are doing to people is wrong, have the exact thing you heard about happen to you. The one thing you see in movies, or hear on talk shows and laugh because you think how can someone be hurt so much by something like that, once you feel it or have experienced it, trust me you will never want to be a part of someone elses misery.

Just another “food for thought”. If you agree, why not drop by and leave me a message. I write to no only share but to leave open dialog. Let me know your thoughts on this. If you agree or disagree and why.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Some Resolution

I know that it has been a bit since I was able to write you all, but there is good reason. I had a chance to go back to the states for my 1 year marriage anniversary. After this situation, and how much pain I still am going through, I know it was going to be rough. It truly has been a challenge. Seeing her, face to face, and knowing the pain that lies within my heart, I was sort of lost. Looking into her eyes, and still having nothing but love for her, it was convoluted. She smiled in my face, and acted as if nothing had happened and that is what has been her way of coping with things that she rather avoid that makes things very difficult to me. I seen how she smiled and how she treated me as I walked through the door for the first time since I got the information of her deceit and I was cold from the time I got in there till we went to bed. I barely spoke to her not because I wanted to but because I just didn’t know what else to do, or say. The first night I came in, ate, and went to bed, that was it. While in bed, she kissed me and kept kissing me, and I tried to deflect it. I tried. The only thing is my heart took over my body and I found myself making love to her the entire night. Passion eclipsed my mind and in the moment I wasn’t even concerned with everything that had happened. All I could think of was loving my wife and showing her my love during the sex. It wasn’t until I awoke the next day and felt the pain again.

So I sat around the house, thinking. I allowed the thoughts to flood my mind and I broke down repeatedly. Within my head I saw her naked with another man. Even as we slept, we laid together, I could see her there, laying in the nude. I felt like a creeper watching her sleep but I couldn’t stay sleep at all. I just had so many things on my mind. The biggest thing is that I don’t know why him…why cheat on me after out marriage? Why risk your relationship, marriage, career for a few minutes with someone you care nothing about? Unless you actually do or did have feelings for this person. I just can’t understand. and honestly, I don’t think I will. Without her willingness to talk about it, openly, it will just be a looming thought over my head. So many questions I want answered yet, is that going to help? Is that going to make me feel better? I could of went crazy and snooped through everything she had at the house. The many tablets, and cellphones already logged into her accounts would easily give me some type of answer but I didn’t. I don’t want to live like that.

I took a breather and thought about everything. I presented everything that needed to be said and I consolidated it into one conversation that I knew would either make or break everything. I wanted to have her listen to me and also understand just how much I love her. I don’t think she realized just how much I love her and this incident hasn’t changed that at all. Yeah I am mad at her but more so, I am just disappointed. I believed that she would never, no matter how much I wanted to believe that she would, cheat on me. Make mistakes, yes, but nothing like that. I will never forget August 9th, 2016. I wont be able to ever step foot into Marlow’s  Bar in Atlanta, Ga., without feeling a fierce anger and disgust. I just, I have to work on getting over this, if this is what I want. So I waited. I waited for the 15th to come by way of midnight and I laid it all out there. I explained to her that she has hurt me beyond recognition if that makes sense. I have never felt so inadequate and unattractive and my self esteem has been greatly damaged because of everything. I have been doing things to combat this feeling but in the end, it is still a work in progress. I told her that if she needed to talk, that she knows she could of came to me. I am not just her husband but her friend. If she felt that she couldn’t of spoke to me about it, then that’s what her friend is there for. Not some guy you use to know who is not even at the same level and who obviously respects you and the idea of love and marriage very little. Then with that thought comes, how much do you cherish and respect your love, and marriage?

Anyway, I stated that she knows that for a complete year I took on the challenge. She stated that I have to want to change in order to be the man I say I am. I took that as a personal challenge. I not only made the changes that I wanted to make for myself, I also worked on the flaws that made things difficult for us. I have done everything right, but only to find out that not even a full month after I left the states, she decided to act on her feelings. The feelings of anger, hatred, sadness, all of these will pass and that is what I am dealing with. The most direct thing I said to her was, this is not going to ever happen again.

As we laid together, she didn’t say a word. I could just hear her crying and feel her tears flowing all over my arm. This was the first time that I felt her remorse. I felt like she was actually listening and understanding everything that I said. From then on, the rest of my time there was simple. I took everything with stride and did what I could to make the rest of my visit memorable. I said what I needed and now it is time to allow time to heal. We both have a lot to work on. My trust towards her is completely crushed and it will continue to be that way until she wins my trust back. I am far from perfect but I have approached this marriage like I believe a man in love should and that is exactly what I will continue to do.

At the end of everything, it feels like that ball is in her court. I know what she did and I decided to look past it and continue this journey. If she wants to be with me, then she will continue to do whatever she needs to do, fix whatever is broken between us, allow time to heal our ruptured hearts and finally be the wife she was meant to be and who I think I deserve as I do the same.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Detach the Phone

I have so many questionable thoughts about how technology makes relationships, both better and more difficult, I do know that I believe in one thing; you have to put the phone down and detach from it all. Actually, I believe that this should extend to all technology. Having your cell phone is great but when I go out and see people out on dates, and each one has there phone out, where is the intimacy? Where is the conversation? I am no exception. My wife, when things seemed perfect, would even do the same thing. It wasn’t that I was boring or anything but her interest was elsewhere. In her games on her phone usually. Seeing this trend and how widespread this goes, makes me concerned for relationships in a whole. I was in Iceland and saw a family of four out having dinner but no one was talking. Every one of them was on the phone, playing a game, surfing the web or talking to someone else out of their immediate family. This is so sad. Even for my situation, I think of it as something I would like to change or completely limit at least.

When I am at home, and with my wife, again this is more directed to when things were right between us, I do wake up, do some chores, workout, and then grab something to eat followed up by maybe some casual gaming. The only reason I can do that is because my wife was either out at work, or sleep. Once she walked into the house, I usually turn the game off, put on some netflix or amazon prime, and we talk about work, we do a little bit of joking and of course watch whatever shows that interest us. Even though I know she can’t turn her phone off due to work, I would love to be the center of her attention sometimes. Even in the middle of the night, if her phone dings, we both have to wake up and see what they need. It is something I truly despise.

Taking a moment to break away from the phone separating the hold our technology has on society, wouldn’t be so bad. We would be able to show our children more attention, give our loved ones more of our love and spend more time loving those who aren’t long for this world. I truly feel like technology has created a gap between us all. Think of each time before you and your spouse got truly serious and comfortable that you spent the entire day in each others presence and was on the phone, sitting in silence. I for one remember when my wife and I were dating, that we spent the entire day, whatever day she had off and I had off, just lying around cuddled up in each others presence. We laid together, loved on one another, laughed, napped, and even just talked to one another all day. No phones, no tv, no clothes, nothing. We only need the comfort of each other. It is one of those things I don’t take lightly. I really miss those times. Even in my head, I know that if I have a child that some of my time and attention will be split between them both but it would still be time I cherish. That is if it isn’t pulled away by technology.

Perfection

Looking at the way society has prioritized health and how skinny you have to be, makes me feel like we have lost sight of what beauty truly is. Now don’t get me wrong, I be believe in being healthy, and taking care of one another, but nothing to the exaggerated level that America has started to believe in. Perfection is reachable only once you have learned what it means to love yourself. Looking into a mirror shouldn’t disgust you but show you who you are and hopefully give you a reason to want to reach a reachable goal. I understand that a lot of people, men, woman, children, do believe that they aren’t attractive. Physical attraction is only one part of the equation. My father use to always state that you should always get the total package (T.P.).  The total package shouldn’t be focused on just the physical but the other characteristics that make you who you are. You have to acknowledge your flaws and maybe work on what can actually be worked on. You have been brought into this world with a distinct look. Yes you can lose weight here or there. You can tone your core, or change your hairstyle but the person “You” are is key. You have to be able to make the distinct separation that your physical shouldn’t be what drives your lifestyle. I will be the first to say that the physical isn’t what keeps someone in love with you. They can be in love with the way you look, but to keep them in love with you, it takes more then just that physical aspect. Society has painted such an alluring picture that most people wouldn’t even care about how they come off personally. Living in a world flooded with sexual bias all over the magazines, music videos, and internet, its no wonder that people are starving themselves to look a specific way just to get one more like. Folks killing themselves in the gym just to catch the eye of someone who might overlook them anyway.

If you strive for perfection, you will continue to look at yourself in a negative light. Certain flaws make you unique. Accept those, and make sure that the love that you have for yourself is genuine and you will be able to find someone who will love you for you. You can change everything physically nowadays. You want a D-cup bra, or you want to change your nose, it is all possible. Just make sure you are doing these things for the right reason. I will give you an example. My co-worker is five foot, half white, half Mexican and she is an attractive woman. Her husband has no issue with the way she looks. He loves her as is and wouldn’t change a thing about her and she knows that I from the conversations I have had with her, she loves herself like she should. She doesn’t wear makeup to enhance anything, she does it because she enjoys the process and she knows what she is doing. On top of that she has two beautiful kids, so there is nothing I see wrong if she wants to get her breast done. She explained it to me like this: “My husband loves me for me, and he adores my body as is, and that’s all that truly matters. I just can’t stand the way my boobs look after having two children. I cover up my breast every time I get out the shower or change clothes. I wont even let my husband shower with me because I just don’t like the way they look to me. He reassures me that they are beautiful and they are fine but to me, what I see in the mirror, I can’t stand and want to make a change for the better.” Listening to her, I know that deep down in her heart, she truly doesn’t want to change her breast for attention, or to make him happy. She is doing something to change herself and to come back with a bit more confidence. This is the right reason.

Find the love in for the blessing that is reflected to you in the mirror and I promise you, you will begin loving the life that you have been afforded. You will go through tough times, and people will say this and that. Men and woman will cheat on you but that isn’t necessarily because of what you physically look like. There are so many factors that come when you talking about cheating. Another conversation for another blog. Just respect the woman or man you are, accept the flaws you posses and work on what you can work on, for you. Your perfection is already present.

Fairytale

Growing up you probably saw the fairytale endings of movies, relationships, adventures, etc. From the knight saving his beloved to the love story that took so many twist but in the end they ended up happily ever after. Society painted vivid pictures of what the “end state” of every story should look like. Think about it. Cinderella, Snow White, Aladdin, heck even The Lion King. They all ended with some sort of beautifully crafted conclusion that is fed to children and even some adults. I for one had always been a fan of a huge wedding idea. Not necessarily the wedding idea you think of with a huge crowd and a lively orchestra playing as my bride walks down the isle with her father as he hands her over to me and the crowd is full of crying adults and confused children who all say ew when the preacher finishes everything with, “You may kiss the bride”. That has never been my thing. I am not to big on crowds thanks to my military life, and having a bit of anxiety. My focus is on the reception afterwards.

The reception consist of a toast by your best man and all that goodness that I think a lot of people forget about because they only want to get married, get that over with and party with the family and friends. My thought on it so much more.

After all the wedding vowels have been made and everyone has seen the smooch that seals the deal, we are released for a bit to talk, fellowship, and just relax a bit while others get the dinning all ready for the reception. I run over to my best man to verify that he understands that I will have nothing to do with his big speech. All eyes will be on him and that speech will either make or break the reception for him. Nothing can change the beauty of this day, not even a really underwhelming speech. Before I leave I make sure to snatch the alcohol out his hands so that he can focus on what he has to say. Of course, he just spins around and like magic another one appears in his hands but what can I do.

Time moves quickly as my bride grabs her seat and I do as well. Food has been served to everyone prior to there arrive in there chairs so all they have to do is find there assigned seat and enjoy. In front of the huge table lies a beautifully crafted wooden covered dance for with lights above. Speakers fill the room all over and everyone is anxious for things to start, so that they can conclude. No one wants a wedding to linger on to long, especially the bride and groom. Once everything begins, it’s like a domino affect. The toast, no matter how glamorous or terrible it is, leads into dinner which leads into the final formal event for the night before everyone dances like crazy and we have to get that one uncle off the floor because he has reach a level of unconsciousness that he has started to hit on my bride.

The wedding couple’s dance. (This is where the song above should start playing) The song comes on and my bride places her hands inside mine, my hand pulling her close to my body and her eyes are fixed to mine as the sound surrounds the room and couples all over begin to cuddle up, hold hands and reminisce about there own wedding song and wedding. The bass is leveled out so you can hear the words of the song and we begin moving left and right to the rhythm. To us, we can’t hear or see anyone. The world itself loses all the drama, the hatred and for this 4-5 minute moment, everything is perfect. A piece of heaven seems to have found itself right there on that dance floor. Our eyes peer deep into one another and things get supernatural for us. The floor breaks apart and we both start floating around the beautiful sky, eliminated by the moonlight. The moonlight has a softness to it from the beauty of the clouds that have started dancing around us, helping keep us close to one another. My embrace gets tighter as the bridge of the song comes on and my heart begins racing like back when we first laid eyes on one another. My bride places her head on my chest and listens to the melody of my heartbeat as we continue to sway in the flood of rhythmic waves. As the song fades, we find ourself locked in one another’s eyes and are only brought back to reality by the crowd’s applause. As we snap out of everything, I go ahead and release everyone from the formalities and the entire night is spent dancing, laughing and just enjoying this celebration.

Thats how I see things. Sadly, I have never had this happen but I will one day make my dream a reality. Exactly like it sounds, to include this song and everything. This is my dream.