I know that it has been a bit since I was able to write you all, but there is good reason. I had a chance to go back to the states for my 1 year marriage anniversary. After this situation, and how much pain I still am going through, I know it was going to be rough. It truly has been a challenge. Seeing her, face to face, and knowing the pain that lies within my heart, I was sort of lost. Looking into her eyes, and still having nothing but love for her, it was convoluted. She smiled in my face, and acted as if nothing had happened and that is what has been her way of coping with things that she rather avoid that makes things very difficult to me. I seen how she smiled and how she treated me as I walked through the door for the first time since I got the information of her deceit and I was cold from the time I got in there till we went to bed. I barely spoke to her not because I wanted to but because I just didn’t know what else to do, or say. The first night I came in, ate, and went to bed, that was it. While in bed, she kissed me and kept kissing me, and I tried to deflect it. I tried. The only thing is my heart took over my body and I found myself making love to her the entire night. Passion eclipsed my mind and in the moment I wasn’t even concerned with everything that had happened. All I could think of was loving my wife and showing her my love during the sex. It wasn’t until I awoke the next day and felt the pain again.
So I sat around the house, thinking. I allowed the thoughts to flood my mind and I broke down repeatedly. Within my head I saw her naked with another man. Even as we slept, we laid together, I could see her there, laying in the nude. I felt like a creeper watching her sleep but I couldn’t stay sleep at all. I just had so many things on my mind. The biggest thing is that I don’t know why him…why cheat on me after out marriage? Why risk your relationship, marriage, career for a few minutes with someone you care nothing about? Unless you actually do or did have feelings for this person. I just can’t understand. and honestly, I don’t think I will. Without her willingness to talk about it, openly, it will just be a looming thought over my head. So many questions I want answered yet, is that going to help? Is that going to make me feel better? I could of went crazy and snooped through everything she had at the house. The many tablets, and cellphones already logged into her accounts would easily give me some type of answer but I didn’t. I don’t want to live like that.
I took a breather and thought about everything. I presented everything that needed to be said and I consolidated it into one conversation that I knew would either make or break everything. I wanted to have her listen to me and also understand just how much I love her. I don’t think she realized just how much I love her and this incident hasn’t changed that at all. Yeah I am mad at her but more so, I am just disappointed. I believed that she would never, no matter how much I wanted to believe that she would, cheat on me. Make mistakes, yes, but nothing like that. I will never forget August 9th, 2016. I wont be able to ever step foot into Marlow’s Bar in Atlanta, Ga., without feeling a fierce anger and disgust. I just, I have to work on getting over this, if this is what I want. So I waited. I waited for the 15th to come by way of midnight and I laid it all out there. I explained to her that she has hurt me beyond recognition if that makes sense. I have never felt so inadequate and unattractive and my self esteem has been greatly damaged because of everything. I have been doing things to combat this feeling but in the end, it is still a work in progress. I told her that if she needed to talk, that she knows she could of came to me. I am not just her husband but her friend. If she felt that she couldn’t of spoke to me about it, then that’s what her friend is there for. Not some guy you use to know who is not even at the same level and who obviously respects you and the idea of love and marriage very little. Then with that thought comes, how much do you cherish and respect your love, and marriage?
Anyway, I stated that she knows that for a complete year I took on the challenge. She stated that I have to want to change in order to be the man I say I am. I took that as a personal challenge. I not only made the changes that I wanted to make for myself, I also worked on the flaws that made things difficult for us. I have done everything right, but only to find out that not even a full month after I left the states, she decided to act on her feelings. The feelings of anger, hatred, sadness, all of these will pass and that is what I am dealing with. The most direct thing I said to her was, this is not going to ever happen again.
As we laid together, she didn’t say a word. I could just hear her crying and feel her tears flowing all over my arm. This was the first time that I felt her remorse. I felt like she was actually listening and understanding everything that I said. From then on, the rest of my time there was simple. I took everything with stride and did what I could to make the rest of my visit memorable. I said what I needed and now it is time to allow time to heal. We both have a lot to work on. My trust towards her is completely crushed and it will continue to be that way until she wins my trust back. I am far from perfect but I have approached this marriage like I believe a man in love should and that is exactly what I will continue to do.
At the end of everything, it feels like that ball is in her court. I know what she did and I decided to look past it and continue this journey. If she wants to be with me, then she will continue to do whatever she needs to do, fix whatever is broken between us, allow time to heal our ruptured hearts and finally be the wife she was meant to be and who I think I deserve as I do the same.