So many things have happened between us this past couple of months. My body has jumped from one emotion to another from concern, fear, anger, sadness, happiness, to even thinking of a world absent of my existence completely. I look back at it all and have done as much reflexing as I can and I have concluded that there are only two courses of actions. Love has either left her heart or she truly is lost in this situation that she has caused because for the first time she is the “bad guy”.
To me, and everyone who has knowledge of this issue, i am sure it comes off as if she doesn’t care. A normal persons action of remorse isn’t to act like nothing happened. Usually, you want to put that person you love or hurt at ease by being sweet, romantic, loving. Reassurance is one of the biggest things I don’t see. It almost comes off as, “Dang, you caught me” instead of “I made a mistake, and I am so sorry.” It confuses me. We start talking and she becomes completely disconnected. For example, this weekend I forgot about one of the vacation trips out the country that she is going on, this one with her parents, and she shuts down. When I tell her, my bad I forgot. She was like, “You are just upsetting yourself.” Personally, I wasn’t angry or upset. I was just confused because I forgot about that trip. Honestly I know she thinks I do it on purpose but of course I don’t. I just have a bit of a memory issue. One of the flaws I can’t really help. Yet, at the end of the conversation I felt like I did something wrong but I didn’t. This happens often.
Truth be told, I just feel like she is running out of love for me and I know that once this love completely runs dry or I feel it has, I will be forced to turn my back on this marriage. Not cheat, but to divorce her and start anew. My heart right now doesn’t want to do that. I really do want to make this work but in my head I think it is totally one sided. You don’t treat someone you love like this. When they express there feelings, you tell them, “It feels like you are trying to convince yourself to stay.” She should feel special that my feels haven’t been swayed in another’s direction. I express these feelings because I want to make sure she knows that I haven’t given up on us. I made a promise before we got married, that I would do whatever I can to make her not regret marrying me. That is how devoted I am to being the man I see in my head and heart. Does that mean I won’t make any mistakes? Negative. I am a man of God’s creation, flawed and riddled with imperfections but I do strive to be the best man I can be and I would hope that is enough.
So where did the love go? If she isn’t loving me like before, or if she can love me like before with the fact that she cheated on me, how do I know that she can stop or that she wants to be with me and only me. Obviously getting married didn’t mean anything if she could just so easily lay down with another man, 5 months after we got married, less than 30 days from me leaving her side. Lets not even get into rather this was a one time affair or an ongoing thing. Since it all happened in Atlanta, where her parent’s live, and where she spent a lot of her time at, I tend to think that she was in a full blown relationship with this guy which if that is true, then I am gone. All the love will be gone from my heart.