Is it me or does conflicts, arguments, and issues within relationships need some sort of resolution in order for things to move on further? Arguments about small things like taking the trash out or television control is one thing but things that hugely impact your relationship like over abuse of alcohol, mental abuse or even infidelity has to come to some resolution because if not what happens is the affect of the issue on your marriage, relationship, even friendship can be catastrophic. In my case, I think about everything a lot. The closer I get to going to see my wife, the more the thoughts pop up with each image more vivid then the one before making it very difficult for me. She has been excited about my visit. Promise of fun adventures and long intimate nights is eclipsed by my doubt of inadequacy in the bedroom. Questions keep forming like, was he better, bigger, went longer, made her feel better then I ever did. It is going to make for a very awkward situation.

So what needs to be done? I think we have to talk everything out. No more acting like all the things in the past didn’t happen. It did and it is very real in my head, heart and thoughts, so lets talk it out, hash everything that needs to be hashed out. Decide if we are capable and willing to move forward, and if so, put things in place to steer doubt off the road and out of this marriage. We are emotional beings, and as such trying to remain like nothing even happened, is unrealistic. In the end it will all come to a boiling point and have things happen like what happened last August, where my wife allowed her emotions to overcome reason and rationality and let a guy twist her into his arms and bed. I don’t fault him completely, because she should know better that men don’t have the best intentions. I know I have put myself in situations like that but once I realized the intent, I made my way away from that scenario as quickly as I could. The thought that she thought it was okay to go out to eat with a man, and not mention it to me, means she, to me at least, had thoughts of doing something prior to the dinner. More evidence of this is that she was the one who opened the door to the entire conflict.

What I am saying is that yes, we will argue, yes we will fight. We will be mad at one another, and I may ruin my one year anniversary with this but if she truly wants to make it to anniversary two and three, these things need to be finalized and if not fixed at least put in place so that recovery is at least reachable. Right now, I feel like I am living a lie and that I have been living one since August of 2016.

I am ready for resolution. The sound says everything.

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