Due to time, I have had a chance to relax a lot of my overly emotional thoughts that have been rushing through my head for the past 2 months. That’s not to say that I don’t think about everything daily because I do. I just refuse to let it drive my days and weeks from here on out. Strength isn’t just being physically able, but goes into having mental strength to preserver over the many devilish things that comes to mind. Again, with so many unanswered things, I think about everything. Her lips on another. How she wrapped her legs around his waist. The embrace they shared with one another while I laid here thinking nothing of the sort. The truth is, I will never really be able to remove these thoughts in my brain, but I can stay realistic and keep from having a over raging wave rush over my, convincing me to do something equally as ignorant. My heart is the boss of this flesh and as such I can hear what my thoughts have to say but I take all comments from my heart. My dreams are filled with thoughts of infidelity, and finding every reason to justify going out and doing what she did to me, right back to her. I think back to the movie, “Why I Got Married” and I just can’t do it. I would be living the rest of my life as a lie or worse, living a life unable to look into the mirror without being disgusted. That’s not the life I want to live. I have so many values that I know represent how I believe a man should be in a marriage but also just being a man in general.
The things that I need to work on for me, I am working on. I will just continue to better myself. Writing has been huge help with everything. All I can hope is that she has looked into the mirror and seen that she needs to take care of some things on her end because even though I am going to work through this, I am no fool. My love for myself runs deep and I respect who am and who I will be in the future so it is up to her to do whatever she needs to, to either be a part of my life or become a memory that will be replaced by another one day in the future. The ball is in her court and she needs to see that I am not one to be taken for granted. Look beyond my appearance, my military status, my family fortune and realize that when you have something worth fighting for you fight. You fight until your very last breathe until you have no more fight left. I have fought, and will use up quite a bit of fight this year to come, so she has to help me or reality will set in, it will click and I will be gone. Trust me, once I am gone, I don’t look back. Not for a second. This isn’t like a lifetime movie special. I will walk away and close the door to that chapter for good, never to reread that chapter again. Instead I will rip it out the book and burn it so those pages don’t have to taint anyone who walks into my life in the future. That is how my reality is. It’s a shame she doesn’t see these blogs and read how true my heart really is. No worries, this is how things will be until either I just run out of fight or she realizes things.
My heart is open and my mind is clearing up. I am recovering in other words. Whether that will benefit our marriage will have to be seen. Just trust, you will be the first to know. Enjoy your Day, Evening, and Night.