Nothing makes things a bit more tense except when one of the two people involved in situations that are rough on a relationship or marriage aren’t on the same page. The conflict I refer to is that my wife actually thinks that because I express my feelings, or emotions towards her and us, she thinks it is me trying to convince myself that I want to be with her. The thing I have a problem with is that I am still doing this, this being being the man I was before everything happened, because I don’t want to lose myself in anger, resentment and my thoughts about her infidelity. Instead I mean to move forward and recapture the things that made us so great. One was the fact that we never shied away from our feelings to one another. I kissed on her and hugged on her as much as any new couple in a marriage, and we was only dating. I took care of her and the things that she needed me to. I don’t want to lose that part of me.
On the other foot, she says I am convincing myself to stay but she says she means every word she says, which isn’t much. I asked her yesterday, why she thought I wouldn’t get her a valentine’s day gift? More importantly, what made her think it would be acceptable that she gets me absolutely nothing. Even after getting her valentines gifts early, she still decided not to even attempt to get me anything. Then to add insult to everything she goes out and buys herself a $200 purse the day after valentines day. Yet I am the one who is looking at things wrongly? I think my vision is pretty clear. I try to talk to her and it turns into a, you sure you want to be with me? I say if i didn’t would I still be here? And of course she comes back with the same thing saying, “if she didn’t want to be here, she wouldn’t be” but I feel like she is going further and further away as I attempt to close the gap.
My love isn’t some pathetic ploy to reverse heart and talk me out of what my heart wants, which is to be back right with her. I don’t play those type of games. I say what I feel and mean what I say. It is one of the qualities I shunned away from when I was younger because it made it easier to avoid the damage that comes with every relationship but I realized that love is just one part of a relationship. Pain is also involved, but it isn’t something that has to be constant. It comes and goes like the wind, like the sun and like every other emotion that humans are suppose to have. I feel it now, and I feel the hurt, but I do see the light at the end of the tunnel and she is my guide. Now if I can get her to realize just how important it is to do that job to the best of her ability, then I won’t continue to be lost in this situation. I won’t keep asking for her to reach her hand out and help me get there. Deep down, I know that I can only push forward with her effort, her dedication to make sure that “we” are both putting in the full effort. If either of us fall short, I know things will end up disastrous and we both will end up missing out on being with the one that god actually put together.
I shall keep doing me. If in March things aren’t recoverable, I will do what I have to. I still have to love myself, and if being with her doesn’t seem like something that is going to make me happy again, I will go, no matter how much I hurt or want to be with her. I can only give so much until I break. This is a relationship, something that takes us both. If there is no “us” then there is nothing. There is more to life then money, material things, statues. Love, is worth every ounce of pain I feel. I just wish she saw that I am not fighting with myself internally but with my confusion on the decisions she has made every since I found out. If I clear this up, we move on, and things start to truly heal on both ends.