Well with my valentines day pretty much neglected I reflected on things in my mind. I actually, reflected on things in my heart as well as my mind. Being that my wife isn’t going to react to things the same way I would, I wonder if the way things are being handled is just her mind being unsure exactly what to do with this scenario. I equipped myself with the thoughts of love, and remorse, and wanted to express that exact thought so that she could see just how true and real I am about us. I fought and it seems that I am still fighting because regardless of what she did to me, I still value the things I said and believe in and I told her I would work the rest of my life to prove to her that she made the right decision in marrying me. Either way, if I do all this, she still has to feel like “She” made the right decision. If she doesn’t feel that way, and feels like in the end, this is pointless we will not make it at all and I am wasting my time.
Wasting my time won’t be the only thing I will be wasting. I will be wasting all this love I have on someone who might not even want me. This will ultimately change my heart completely. I have been giving her 100% of me. Something that I have been real hesitant to give people after my first marriage but I couldn’t punish her for something another woman did to me, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Now that things have happened, after we got married, it makes me question if marriage even meant anything to her. I was hesitant about marriage too, but that was because I had been there, done that and I was going to be away for two years. My biggest fear has already came true. She found the comfort of another man while I was away, fighting for our countries freedoms and safety. It wouldn’t of nearly had hurt as much as it does if we wasn’t married, but we are and because of that, it crushes me every time I think about it. She married me, even though she wasn’t either sure or 100% over everything in the past and that is what lead her to do what she did. Was it worth it? Was it something she will never repeat? We are back to the “What if” questions huh.
I just shake my head. I look at her Facebook, and see how absent I am on there. I look at her phone and see her wallpaper with her photo on it and no mention of me. I look at how long we have been married, and how she hasn’t even attempted to get her last name changed. It’s like she doesn’t even want to be a real addition to my family. We are suppose to be in this together. Yet nothing here adds up and nothing has been explained to me yet. What am I to think? How am I to take it? What am I to be feeling after everything that has happened within our marriage?
I just need to see the effort…