I am an avid holiday lover. Christmas, new years thanksgiving, and others, I tend to go all out on and attempt to get every bit of that memory etched into my brain. One of the biggest holidays of course for me, is Valentine’s Day. A day used exclusively to express just how much you appreciate the person who you have at the time, or whom you tend to spend your life with. It isn’t just buying things expensive to show your love. It is much more then that. All the love that exist in a man’s heart is usually pent up behind our more masculine exterior and we use this day to climb up to the top of that manly wall and show our true emotions just for a bit.
A year ago, I spent the first few months of the year in the dog house but that didn’t stop me from giving my wife a gift and sending my love with a side of apologetic emotions as well but of course that was then. Fast forward to this year, and how things have transpired this year and how is it that I am the one still doing my husband/manly duties after everything? I not only bought my wife some Valentine’s Gifts, but I also made her something from the heart. I used the talent god blessed me with and decided to make something that shows that I not only am willing to move forward despite everything, I made something that was emotionally motivated by my love and devotion to our marriage. In retrospect, I didn’t think I would have to worry about getting anything but maybe I was wrong. My wife decided not to get me anything. Not even a card, or anything.
Now I am not big on caring what she got me, and how elaborate it is. I accepted things from hand made stuff animals, to a video stating her feelings but, nothing…after all of this, it reignites my concern that I am 100% into this marriage while she is…well just playing the role. This could just be my mind making things worse then it is but it is hard to overlook actions. We don’t video chat unless I call her. I respond at work, as soon as I can but for me, it can be 3-5 hours before I hear from her at all and I am trying to not take these things personal but it is very hard. I love the idea of love but is the idea of love, just that; a fantasy. An illusion that is cloaked in lies and sadness once you finally figure out the illusion’s secret.
Everything we do, and live for brings your partner closer to you, but also can push them away. I just don’t see the remorse, or effort that is being put in from this side of the heart. Two souls, met by faith, and now look at things. I am questioning everything intent because she refuses to express any concerns, or worries that we have here. We aren’t perfect but we can make this work as long as it is a group effort. But that is just it, it has to be effort from us both and I can’t say I feel that way. We do talk, and we do say we love one another. I know I mean it and I feel like I can believe she means it as well, but actions. “ACT”. We have to not just say one thing, but we have to show it. I will continue to believe that it will only get better but as far as this day, Valentine’s Day, I am surprisingly disappointed. I am not trying to gloat but this is the first Valentine’s Day that I have not received anything at all unless I was single through the holiday and even with that, I make sure my mom becomes my Valentine.
I believe in love…I just hope she believes in it as well and that she, equally, believes in us…