Fear. No other emotion is more powerful then fear. I mean love is equally as strong but fear is truly powerful. The idea of “What If” is a mind game in itself. Telling myself that none of this would of happened to me “if” I didn’t do the things I did in the past. “If” I was everything that she ever wanted, ever needed. “If” I was half the man I thought I saw in the mirror. Such thoughts only torment the mind and soul, poisoning everything that has been harvested in the heart of this relationship. I am strong. Strong willed, strong minded and devoted to achieving victory but I still look for a sign. Something that gives me a clue as to that everything I am going through is truly worth it. Any hint that my decision to stay and fight for my marriage is the right one, but I wake up, day after day and find nothing nearly as simple as a sign. I get to sit here and wait for each painful thought to rush through my mind, and it taunts me with the idea that, maybe all this is pointless. How will I know? How will I know if her heart sways away from me again. How will I know that love isn’t just a four letter word that invokes strong reactions deeply rooted within my heart and as a result, causes me true happiness but also deep, dark sadness as well.
Fear. Nothing makes my nights so long, and my days so cold then that damn emotion. It has me questioning everything I see and hear. She says she loves me and she truly may but because of everything, even if deep down I believe her, my heart will still be shrouded with doubt. Doubt whether her “love” for me was every true. Maybe I did things to make her hurt, and cry and, yeah, I had to make a change but if she knew everything. If she truly knew that the idea that she has of me cheating on her, is nothing but a fantasy. Again, it requires me to ask “What if?” “What if” she knew the truth about why I went to savannah. If she knew that I could of been a coward and broke up with someone from a text or email, but I wanted to be clear, and be the man I know I am. Face to face is the real way to conclude a relationship. If she only knew. I look for a sign. She I tell her? I told her I wanted to move on from the events and thats what I am trying to do and god knows it is hard. I see reminders everywhere. From music, to porn, to commercials to just closing my eyes and reliving the reveal of everything playing in my mind over and over again. Seeing how her face was unaffected by my pain. How she didn’t even shed a tear when I told her. She sat there, nothing in her mind, nothing on her face. Her reaction further pushes my doubt, further fuels my concerns that maybe I was nothing she really cared for.
So I look for a sign. One that really allows me to know that what I am doing is right. One that reassures my actions are warranted and that I have a chance to save something that I think is actually salvageable. I will continue to work on me. That is all I can do. She has to look in the mirror and see if there is something in her that needs to change. Whether it is working on overcoming her anger, and managing her emotions when it comes to the past transgressions or forgiving herself for the idea that my past actions justifies the shit that happened. I have forgiven and now have to have doubt haunt me over and over again. Day in and day out. I know how she feels, but at the same time, I don’t think she realizes just how I truly feel. I have never felt this way for any other woman in my life. I have tried to think about a life without her and believe me, if it happens again, that thought will become a reality, but I, for the time being do not see this happen unless I truly have no other choice. Call me weak, or stupid, but she has put up with me though my issues, and I am the type of man who doesn’t just give up on the first sign of rough waters.
Still, I would love a sign…