Sometimes getting the answers you need, makes more questions. I wrote about what I thought happened. I looked into things, I dug deep, and even with the awareness that diving further in may cause me more division, I asked, and my wife finally told me exactly what happened.
She explained that they decided to go grab a bite to eat and drink and catch up since it had been so long since they worked together last. My wife being the superior manager, and the fact that this happens often, I wouldn’t of even have thought about this even if she had of told me, but she didn’t. They went out, and during there dinner, he notices her ring. He asked my wife if she had got married and she replies with yes. Then things got confusing. He then ask her, oh, how is your marriage going, and you know what she said? She asked him why do men cheat? Being that I am a guy, and I have insight on what they think, especially with men in Atlanta, he took that as, I think I can get into her pants. She showed weakness, and he exploited her vulnerability by poking the bear. She didn’t go into detail but she said, it just escalated. Escalated? He made her angry and she told me she just got more and more upset until…well until she decided to sleep with him.
Again, to me, this is unfortunately confusing. Yes it answers the question, and I am glad that I know but how? How could her anger towards me be so great? How could she look at me, marry me and then forgive me, yet she got so upset that she had unprotected sex with another man? How is it she then let me live 6 months, visiting me twice, and making love to me, like nothing happened? How could she allow hatred to fuel such emotions that she would risk the very thing that makes up this marriage; trust? How do I know she wont let anger for the past, for something she says she forgave, wont come back and find her in the arms of another man?
So with one answer, unlocks a bundle of questions, yet I am to attempt to put my heart back together, one piece at a time. We have been together for 3 years, married for almost 1 a year and in that time, nothing has been so damaging as this situation. Nothing. I don’t even think she understands just how badly I hurt. She says she knows I am hurting, but does she understand the degree of it. I don’t sleep anymore. Instead I lay there and just allow my thoughts to overcome me, pushing tears out my eyes, while I lie there, in a bit of an emotional coma. Eating is something I rarely do. My appetite has drastically changed and I am feeling like the death of my heart is only the beginning.
What do I do? How do I forgive this? I want to. I so want to. I want things to go back to how they were before I found out…but, is that even possible? Like I said, more questions.