When someone does something wrong, whether it be something small or minor, there has to be some sort of effort where real, and true remorse exist. I listen to my heart and sometimes, yes that makes me want to forgive even the most hennas acts of betrayal that would normally cause you to disconnect yourself and seek happiness somewhere else. I sit here, a sheer victim of pain and heartbreak and all I can think is how much I wish I could walk away or at the least forget everything. I truly understand now how naïve I can be when love is involved. I have fallen so hard, and so deep that I couldn’t imagine my life without my wife, but that doesn’t mean the deceit can be easily forgiven or even ever forgotten. At the end of the day I want to believe that this will never happen again. I do believe her when she says that she is sorry but it is the point of how much effort is being applied that makes me very hesitant.
Even when I was caught between a rock and a hard place, I gave so much of myself to reassure her that all the doubts that would come could be overcame. I devoted my life to making sure she never feels the way I do at this moment by jumping through whatever hoops I need to in order to keep her doubts at bay. I hate that I even caused the amount of pain that I did when it could of all have been avoided by me just saying, “Hey babe, I am going to one of my college’s friend’s place to get some laundry done.” Instead I hid that fact and because of a lot of the bull that she claimed, I ended up breaking my woman’s heart. So what did I do? Everything. I fought everyday to get my wife to forgive me of my ignorance and I made a huge promise. One that I don’t regret. I said it and I meant it. I will spend everyday of the rest of my life making up for whatever pain I caused. Because I was truly remorseful and couldn’t live one active day without her in my life.
What truly bothers me, is that when the roles are reversed, and the pain that I feel is dramatically the worse thing I have ever had the experienced in my entire life, why does it feel that I am suppose to just forget and forgive? I said so much, did so much, to prove just how worthy I am to give another chance, but I don’t see the same thing. I see a woman who is either very confused because she has never been in a situation like this and doesn’t know exactly what to do or say, or she truly believes that I would not leave. Her confidence has always been something that I found completely attractive about her, but she has to understand that her pride here could result in me walking out of her life forever. Something has to be proven to me. The deceit is really deep and for me, I need to hear everything. I want to know what happened? How it happened? Why him? What wasn’t I doing right that caused her to find comfort in the arms of another man? All these thoughts play over and over in my head.
I know she loves me. I don’t doubt that and I know that everyone is human, and we all make mistakes but what about putting in an equal amount of effort because we aren’t dating, or hooking up, we are married and being married, we have to fight for every inch of what we have. Our love is truly remarkable but I really do feel like I am giving and putting in so much more then I am getting back. She truly doesn’t know how much I love her and what I would do to keep her smile as genuine as possible but I do know some things have to change or I will end up walking away and walking away forever.